Kin Kinuta
by Insanity rise
Summary: Kin loves Dosu and wants to marry him but what about poor Zaku! And how does Iruka tie into this, and what about Kabuto? A stupid humor story about Zaku and Kabuto trying to get rid of Kin...CHAP 5 UP!YAY!
1. HE'S MINE!

**Insanity rise: HIYA! **This is my first attempt on a humor story and before you start reading I would like to make one thing clear! I do NOT support the idea of a Zaku and Dosu pairing at all, this is for humor purposes! This idea was given to me with the help of Anniepopokios, so this story is dedicated to her! She thought it would be hilarious if the sound nin and Kabuto ended up fighting over each other in a hopeless love…square? Anyway, I'm actually a very funny person, but sometimes my writing doesn't turn out that way so I hope this sounds good! The first chapter is a bit boring and short but the second is much better! Just in case you couldn't tell the bold stuff is two actually two users (thought up by me and Annie) having a conversation….it hints at the idea of the story, anyway I hope you like this, please tell me if you like it!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters from Naruto. Darn it.

**Rating: **nothing bad really. But K+ to be safe!

**Dedication: Anniepopokios**

Chapter 1

He's mine!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **Thanks for all the reviews, you make me feel special!

**Fluffysnakeguy:** You deserve it! Your stories are so passionate and beautiful!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **I do try to write what the people want!

**Fluffysnakeguy: **Well you're very good at it! Especially your Kabuto stories, they always leave me wanting more!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **I have heard that before, anyway, since you're such a great fan, how about me writing a story for you, my treat!

**Fluffysnakeguy:** WOW! You would do that for me!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **Sure, I DO write for the fans anyway! Who would you like me to write about, as long as you have plenty ideas for pairings!

**Fluffysnakeguy: **OMG! I have the perfect idea!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **About who?

**Fluffysnakeguy: **What do you know about a certain sound ninja…

Kin smiled as morning sunshine warmed her tired body, yawning slightly as she hopped out of bed. Today was a new day! She yawned again and quickly got dressed, more than ready for breakfast. Rushing s brush through her long black hair, she hurried out into the hallway.

"Good morning everyone," Kin burst into the kitchen, where Kabuto, Zaku, Dosu, and Orochimaru sat at a large table. Kabuto shrugged his shoulders, turning back to his coffee and paperwork, unwilling to take even a small break for breakfast from it in the case that it would quickly pile up if he stopped before it was finished. Orochimaru sat staring at Kabuto, looking as though he seriously wanted to just hug the busy younger boy. Though rather alarmed by the strange look in her master's eyes, Kin searched for a seat and something to eat (rhyming not intended!)

"Good morning Dosu," she smiled and sat down by the yawning boy, her eyes glimmering with happiness. Dosu returned her smile (but its not like she could tell because of his bandages).

"Hey," Kin looked up to see Zaku glaring at her evilly.

"What," she gave him a concerned glare, wondering if she should pelt him with senbon for being so constantly annoying.

"I'm sitting by Dosu!" Zaku exclaimed, causing Kin to only become angrier.

"No I am," Kin growled, "besides Dosu _likes_ sitting by me, right Dosu!"

"You're…pretty," Dosu said like a lovesick puppy, little pink hearts floating around his head.

"You too," Kin beamed, embracing Dosu in a tight hug, squealing with glee.

"Back off," Zaku growled hopelessly, "HE'S MINE!"

"No he is not," Kin whined, "because that would be sick, but if I like him then its fine, you're just jealous because nobody likes you!"

"GET IT OFF OF ME!" Kabuto broke their argument with his screams, a floating pink heart sticking to his face. Kin just stared at him, unable to say anything for the situation's sudden stupidity.

"I'LL SAVE YOU KABUTO," Orochimaru jumped up from his chair, grabbing a spatula and chasing after the terrified boy. Kabuto screamed and ran around the table as more of the little floating hearts chased after him. Orochimaru chased after him, smacking him with the spatula and screaming like a fan girl would if they were chasing Sasuke. The others stared silently for a moment, and then their argument resurfaced.

"Anyway I'm leaving this nuthouse," Kin stood up, "come on Dosu."

"NO DON'T IT'S A TRAP!" Zaku exclaimed, hugging onto Dosu as if he was the only thing left in the world.

"Wait for me my darling," Dosu smiled stupidly, in a lovesick daze, prying from Zaku's grasp and following after the dark haired girl. Zaku opened his eyes to find himself hugging a chair, Dosu long gone. He slammed his fist down on the table in anger; Kabuto and Orochimaru still screaming and running around the table. Zaku gave an annoyed glare and prepared to stop their idiotic rampage. Kabuto squealed as Zaku tripping, falling flat on his face. Unable to stop, Orochimaru landed directly on top of him, pink hearts still swirling around them.

"Kabuto," Orochimaru purred like a happy kitten.

"Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto whispered softly.

"Yes Kabuto," Orochimaru smiled, sure of what he would say, more than ready to confess his true feelings.

"Please," Kabuto squeaked, "you're squishing me…get off!"

_There you are! I hope you liked it! Please tell me what you thought considering this is my first funny story here and I don't know if people will like it or not! Thanks! _


	2. Kitties and Biscuits

**Insanity rise: **By the way thanks for all the wonderful reviews on my Neji Tenten story! I love you guys! Anyway I think this chapter is much funnier than the first so here you go! Again, I do not support guy and guy pairings!

Chapter 2

**Speakerofthedolphins: **Did you enjoy the first chapter?

**Fluffysnakeguy: **I really loved it! Oh my precious Kabuto!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **You're too kind, anyway, I do think I'll make an appearance in chapter two, I do so love being a part of these things!

**Fluffysnakeguy: **More Kabuto MORE KABUTO!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **Of course! I must get back to work!

**Fluffysnakeguy: **fan girl squeal

"Darn stupid Kin," Zaku grumbled, walking down the hallway, anger burning in his eyes. He would never be able to win Dosu's heart if Kin was always in the way; he had to take her down, but how? He needed a plan; he needed to get rid of her for good.

"Hi Zaku," Kabuto walked up to him, covered in Band-Aids with pictures of fluffy kittens of them.

"You okay," Zaku gave him a bemused glance.

"Yep," Kabuto shrugged, "but I think my master has feelings for me."

"You didn't already know that," Zaku chuckled, "have you seen the way he looks at you?"

"No," Kabuto shook his head slightly, suddenly feeling very awkward.

"Do you know where Dosu went," Zaku asked, his eyes darting about.

"He and Kin went into town this morning, "Kabuto told him, "why do you care?"

"Because," Zaku took off down the hallway, not wanting to explain. Kabuto shrugged his shoulders as the boy disappeared, remembering all the paper work he still had to do.

"Isn't this wonderful Dosu," Kin exclaimed, walking around the outskirts of the sound village. Dosu only stared at her, still in a lovesick daze.

"Yep," he said stupidly.

"We'll be together forever," Kin, cheered, giving Dosu another tight hug. Suddenly, there was a loud rustling in the bushes, causing Kin to jump in alarm.

"Who's there," she squeaked, overcome with a feeling of pure dread, afraid some evil creature would jump out at her. Dosu jumped in front of her, ready to protect her from whatever was lurking behind the trees. But that's not what they saw when a figure stepped from the bushes. Kin gasped. Before them stood a smiling man with spiky brown hair wearing a blue t-shirt with a dolphin on it and carrying a small note pad.

"Who are you," Kin said shaking, noticing the man's Konoha headband.

"I'm Iruka," the man exclaimed, jotting something down on his pad, "and I'm here to plan your wedding!"

"Our wedding," Kin gasped, squealing with glee.

"Yep," Iruka nodded, "I've been following you for awhile and I really do think you should consider getting married!"

"Yes YES," Kin hopped about, hugging onto Dosu, who only smiled dumbly.

"What do you think for location, "Iruka asked, writing more on his pad," I was thinking around here somewhere, and the theme…"

"We should do something about kittens," Kin squealed with glee, "my precious Dosu looks just like a kitten, and he's just as much fun to hug!"

"I can see that," Iruka smiled, "kittens it is then!"

"We could have fluffy hats, oh and kitty tails, and real kittens instead of those stupid rings, and little kitty ears, and a goldfish, and kitty shaped cake that tasted like tuna, and a goldfish, and everything could be all fluffy, and a goldfish, and streamers with kitties on them, and a goldfish, and the invitations could have kittens all over them, and a goldfish and maybe even A GOLDFISH," Kin hugged Dosu tighter, obviously enjoying this "wedding planning."

"You're a natural at this," Iruka exclaimed, quickly writing down everything Kin had just told him.

"I know," Kin smiled, "and it's because my little Dosu!"

"I love you," Dosu smiled, receiving another hug from Kin.

"Me too!"

"I'm very happy for you," Iruka grinned, "now who do you want to come to the wedding?"

"Everyone," Kin exclaimed, "Orochimaru, and Kabuto, and all the sound genin, and Yoroi, and Misumi, and everyone in the sound village and those weird sound five and a goldfish and anyone else you can think of…but not that meanie Zaku, no I don't want him here at all!"

"Great," Iruka smiled, "this will be a wonderful kitty wedding!"

"They make me sick," Zaku growled from a nearby tree, watching Kin bounce around as she spoke to Iruka about wedding plans. He couldn't believe Kin had won Dosu over so easily, but he wasn't going to give up without a fight! He needed a plan, a plan to get rid of that miserable girl. Nevertheless, he wouldn't be able to take her down alone, besides she had kitties on her side. Just then he looked down from his tree branch and saw a certain someone, someone who gave him an idea.

"I had four biscuits then I ate one," Kabuto sang in a childish voice, skipping down the path, "then I only had three!"

"…," Zaku couldn't find the words to say as he stared at the skipping boy.

"I had three biscuits, then I ate one," Kabuto squealed, clearly enjoying his song, "then I only had two."

"Kabuto," Zaku called, trying to get the boy's attention.

"I had two biscuits then I ate one," Kabuto was clearly unaware of Zaku's presence, "then I only had…wait a minute…what comes after two?"  
"KABUTO!" Zaku growled.

"AHHH!" Kabuto shrieked, cowering and trembling, sinking to his knees, "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME BISCUIT KING! I'M SORRY FOR EATING YOUR BISCUITS FRIENDS! I'M SORRY! I WON'T DO IT AGAIN I PROMISE JUST LET ME LIVE, THERE'S SO MUCH I AHVEN'T SEEN OR DONE I CAN'T DIE NOW!"

"It's me you moron," Zaku growled, causing Kabuto to look up.

"Oh hi Zaku," Kabuto looked rather relieved, "for a minute there, I thought the biscuit king had come to claim me, he does that you know."

"Yeah whatever," Zaku grumbled, "just listen here will ya."

"Yes," Kabuto said, curious.

"I need you help."

"With what," Kabuto asked, suddenly looking distressed, "I'm deeply sorry Zaku but I could never love you like I love-"

"Get your mind out of the gutter and listen," Zaku growled, causing Kabuto to stop speaking, "I need you to help me break up Kin and Dosu!"

"Why?" Kabuto was clearly confused.

"Because you idiot, Dosu is mine!" Zaku snarled, "And I need a plan."

"Okay," Kabuto shrugged, having nothing better to do, "If I say yes will you give me a biscuit."

"Okay whatever just say you're in," Zaku was clearly getting very impatient, wondering if this had even been a good idea.

"Oh…sweet buttery biscuits," Kabuto said dreamily, "okay I'm in!"

"Good," Zaku smirked evilly, a plan beginning to take form in his sinister mind, "Dosu's as good as mine!"

"BISCUITS!" Kabuto squealed.


	3. How To Find a Flashlight

**Insanity rise: ** Hiya! So far I'm really enjoying writing this story; it's a good break from my usual stuff! Anyway, I'd like to apologize for any mistakes I have made in my writing and making Kabuto seem like a child. I will not be changing that because I think it's hilarious, can't all evil geniuses have a soft side too? Anyway, that biscuit thing is pretty much my running gag so be prepared to hear a lot more of it! If you don't like the story so far I will tell you chapter 4 is by far the chapter I think is funniest! Be patient! Well, tell me what you think, and remember I only think the Orochimaru and Kabuto pairing and the Zaku and Dosu pairing is funny, I do NOT take them seriously!

Chapter 3

How to find a flashlight

"So," Kabuto asked, sitting in the kitchen with Zaku, "what's the plan?"

"I don't know," Zaku admitted, completely out of any ideas.

"Oh," Kabuto exclaimed, "I know what we can do, I saw this on a sitcom once, you look around and try to find an idea from your surroundings!"

"That sounds crazy," Zaku glared at him but almost immediately lost his angry tone, "let's do it!"

Kabuto nodded and began looking around, a strange silence settling over the two ninja. He stared at the oven, and got an idea. A crazy idea that he was sure would make his day much brighter, something so insane that he wasn't even sure he could pull it off!

"LET'S MAKE BISCUITS!" Kabuto cheered, giving Zaku a hopeful glance. Zaku scowled his face red with anger.

"CAN'T YOU THINK OF ANYTHING BESIDES BISCUITS!" Zaku screamed, his voice filled with annoyed rage.

"No," Kabuto squeaked.

"I thought so," Zaku shook his head, "got any better ideas?"

"Let's get naked!" Kabuto cheered, almost like he actual liked the idea, and Zaku shook his head.

"No," he announced, "let's save that for when we're selling real estate."

"Oh," Kabuto sighed, "when will we sell real estate?"

"As soon as I figure out what real estate is," Zaku shrugged.

"Okay," Kabuto continued to do as his sitcom had told him.

"We could hit her with a spatula," Kabuto cringed, "that really hurts."

"You would know," Zaku chuckled.

Kabuto glanced about, beginning to feel bored with this idea. He had no idea how looking around a room could help him get more biscuits. That was all he wanted anyway, he had no wish to participate in this crazy scheme. It didn't really concern him whether Zaku won Dosu or Kin married him. He didn't exactly enjoy being a part of this hopeless love triangle.

"We could tie her up and hit her with a spatula," Zaku beamed, enjoying the idea of binding the girl and throwing her somewhere where no one would find her.

"Yeah," Kabuto agreed, "then we could eat biscuits!"

"But where would we hide her," Zaku stared up at the ceiling; "somewhere no one would ever go to, but where?"

"You could throw her in a lake," Kabuto announced, "or a box, or a prison cell, or the refrigerator, or the front lawn, or my room, or your room, or the bathroom, or Orochimaru's closet, or-"

"Wait what was that last one?"

"The bathroom," Kabuto shrugged.

"After that!"

"A biscuit," Kabuto was clearly confused, as though he'd completely forgotten what he'd just said.

"No YOU MORON," Zaku growled, impatient with Kabuto's clueless antics.

"Hiya Kabuto," Orochimaru stepped into the room, slapping Kabuto upside the head.

"Hi Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto said shakily, straightening his glasses.

"What are you doing boys," Orochimaru looked them over, "you look like you've got a dirty little secret."

"No it's not that at all," Zaku grinned nervously, not wanting Orochimaru to stop him from "getting rid" of rid.

"If you two are in love then I seriously don't want to hear about it," Orochimaru growled. Kabuto gave him a petrified look.

"No it's not that at all it's just-"

"Kabuto just means that we were just leaving," Zaku laughed, grabbing Kabuto and hurrying out of the kitchen. Orochimaru stared at them as they left, a clueless look on his face.

"Kids," he shook his head, then went searching for a biscuit…

Meanwhile, Kabuto and Zaku were walking down the hallway. Zaku looked around to make sure no one was listening, then turned to Kabuto with a mischievous grin.

"Oh now I remember," Kabuto beamed, "something about Orochimaru's closet I think."

"Why there," Zaku gave him a confused look.

"Orochimaru-sama never cleans his closet; it would be years before any found her!"

"Great," Zaku laughed evilly, "so now all we need is some, a spatula, and a flashlight."

"A flashlight," Kabuto glanced at the chuckling boy, confused.

"Of course," Zaku smirked, "we'll need a flashlight to use when we're laughing evilly."

"Oh," Kabuto nodded excitedly, "I can that see…hahahahahehehahaha…hehehaha…ha."

"I said laugh evilly not giggle like a little girl," Zaku smacked Kabuto upside the head.

"Why do people keep doing that," Kabuto sighed, "it's like I ever say anything stupid or anything."

"Yeah," Zaku sneered, "well anyway, we should split up and get the stuff."

"I can find a flashlight," Kabuto announced, "Orochimaru-sama always keeps them in the supply closet!"

"Do you even know where the supply closet is," Zaku gave him an annoyed glare, pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"Not a clue."

"That's what I thought."

"Do you."

"Nope."

"Orochimaru doesn't have a supply closet does he."

"Nope."

"You do know where to get a flashlight right."

"Nope."

"I rhymed flashlight and right, I ROCK OUT LOUD," Kabuto cheered. Zaku looked like he might just drop down dead.

"Fine whatever," Zaku grumbled, "I'll find some rope and you find a flashlight, we'll meet back here in an hour and get Kin."

"Ok," Kabuto grinned and prepared to find a flashlight, but suddenly stopped.

"Zaku."

"Yes," Zaku turned around, wondering what Kabuto could possibly want now.

"When do I get my biscuit…"

There was no answer besides complete silence.

"When," Kabuto whined. Zaku didn't even answer, he just ran down the hallway, wanting with all his heart to get away from the obsessed ninja. Kabuto shook his head, a new idea reaching his mind.

"I know," he grinned stupidly, "I'll go and make some biscuits!" He cheered at his genius, giving himself a hug even though it was technically not a even close to a hug and ran off to the kitchen where he knew his biscuits were waiting…


	4. Making the Biscuits

**Insanity rise: **Alrighty, this part of the story strays from the main plot a lot but I think this is my favorite part! Sorry about being so out of character! I hope you know that when reading the "user" discussions at the top you can completely recognize who they actually are by the clues in their names! Enjoy!

Chapter 4

Making the biscuits

**Speakerofthedolphins:** How'd you like chapter 3?

**Fluffysnakeguy: **pretty good, but how did you know I don't have a supply closet…and my closet…

**Speakerofthedolphins:** Lucky guess…

**Fluffysnakeguy:** I would think so.

**GotMilk03:** I don't much appreciate how you make Kabuto seem like such a baby.

**Speakerofthedolphins:** I don't expect everyone to like what I right; I like hope you can overlook that and enjoy the story.

**GotMilk03:** You really should try to stay in character, and you're pairings I don't agree with…

**Fluffysnakeguy:** I love it!

**GotMilk03: **I don't, don't you have any respect fro other people's reputations?

**Speakerofthedolphins: **hey, I happen to have more fans than you could even imagine buddy, so I'd stop that arguing if I were you.

**GotMilk03: **well there's no way I'm supporting this story.

**Fluffysnakeguy: **I AM! I LOVE IT!

**Speakerofthedolphins: **thanks for your support! ON TO CHAPTER 4! TALLY-HO!

Kabuto stepped into the kitchen, humming a tune and completely forgetting about finding the flashlight, too busy with the idea of making his favorite food. He smiled and opened a cabinet, taking out a cooking book. Meanwhile, Kimimaru stepped into the kitchen, giving Kabuto a curious glance as he took a glass of milk from the fridge and took a sip.

"Whatcha doing Kabuto," Kimimaru asked, sounding rather concerned, knowing Kabuto tended to get himself into trouble when he got out that cooking book.

"I'm making biscuits," Kabuto announced, plopping a large chef's hat onto his head and tossing on an apron that read, "I love my biscuits."

"Are you sure you can do that alone," Kimimaru cocked an eyebrow. Kabuto flipped through the cooking book, beaming when he found the right recipe.

"Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm not sure I know how to do this, Kimimaru what does stir together mean?"

"Um…maybe I should help you Kabuto," Kimimaru shrugged.

"That would be great," Kabuto, squealed with glee, "you can help me find all the ingredients!"

"Okay," Kimimaru nodded, wondering if this had been such a good idea, "what do we need?"

"Hm, let me see," Kabuto squinted at the words on the page, reading them aloud so Kimimaru could hear, " 2 cups of flour, 3 teaspoons of baking powder, ¾ cup milk, ¾ teaspoon salt, and 1/3 cup shortening."

"Alright then," Kimimaru looked around for the ingredients, hoping Kabuto had read them right.

Kimimaru searched around the kitchen, finding a purple measuring cup in the cupboard along with a teaspoon, which was also a dark purple color. Orochimaru liked that color, it was easy to see. He already knew where the milk was and noticed how little was left, but considering how much milk he drank that was understandable. In no time at all he had all the ingredients in a neat pile on the counter. Kabuto smiled with thanks.

"What next," Kimimaru asked.

"It says we need to stir the dry ingredients together then add in the milk," Kabuto instructed.

"Okay then-"

"No," Kabuto blurted out like an excited child, "I want to do it!"

"Fine," Kimimaru grumbled, "I'll go ahead and preheat the oven."

"It says to heat it at 450 degrees, "Kabuto looked fearfully, "but the knob only says 475!"

"No kidding," Kimimaru sighed, turning the knob to the correct spot.

Kabuto squealed with glee and tossed all of the ingredients into a bowl, smiling as a cloud flour puffed from the bowl. He threw in the baking powder, but was blinded by flour as he prepared to put in the flour. He let out a surprised squeak as he fell to the ground, completely alarmed.

"I GOT SALT IN MY EYES!" He screamed as the container of salt fell over his face.

"Calm down Kabuto," Kimimaru tried to help him, but he ran around in a mad frenzy. Kabuto cried as salt burned his eyes, running about until he ran into the refrigerator. Kimimaru sighed and helped him to his feet, offering him a wet cloth to hopefully help his eyes. Kabuto sniffled and wiped the cloth across his eyes, still sobbing.

"You okay," Kimimaru put a concerned hand on his shoulder.

"It attacked me," Kabuto exclaimed, "THE EVIL MR. SALT TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"Kabuto-"

"NEVER AGAI WILL I TRUST THE SALT'S EVIL GOODNESS I WILL NEEVR FALL FOR YOUR EVIL SCHEMES AGAIN," Kabuto screamed, tossing the container of salt away. Kimimaru shook his head, wondering if they would ever finish with this stupid cooking.

"Come on Kabuto," Kimimaru told him, "let's get back to those biscuits."

"Okay," Kabuto dried his eyes and went back to his mixing. After a few short moments, he turned to Kimimaru.

"Alright you can put the milk in now," Kabuto explained, but Kimimaru didn't move from where he stood.

"I said you can put the milk in now," Kabuto gave the boy a concerned glance. Kimimaru had a fake grin on his face, looking suspiciously happy.

"Are you okay," Kabuto asked, "did you hear what I said?"

"Oh yeah the milk," Kimimaru laughed behind clenched teeth, "funny story about that really…"

"Kimimaru," Kabuto said unhappily noticing Kimimaru's large milk moustache, "you didn't drink the last of the milk did you?"  
"…um…no," Kimimaru grinned, obviously lying, "why…would I do that?"

"Kimimaru!" Kabuto scolded, "that was all the milk we had, what are we going to use now! The biscuits are ruined!"

"Couldn't we just use something else," Kimimaru asked, wishing he wasn't the cause of the problem, "I mean all we need is something wet right?"

"You're right," Kabuto smiled, "but what else is there?"

"We could use water," Kimimaru said, looking to the faucet.

"But that's too simple," Kabuto pointed out, deep in thought, "I wonder…"

"What then," Kimimaru asked, out of ideas. Kabuto didn't answer, obviously too occupied with his thoughts, suddenly, he got an idea!

"I've got it," he exclaimed, bouncing up and down, "We'll use kool-aid!"

"That's a great idea," Kimimaru beamed.

Kabuto squealed and hurried to the cabinet where he was sure the kool-aid mix was. He grinned as he took out a small red package, telling himself how genius he was. He quickly filled a pitcher with water and dumped the mix inside, giggling when the clear liquid turned red.

"Now we need to mix it in," he explained.

"Don't we need to like add sugar or something," Kimimaru asked, thinking he'd heard something about that once.

"Okay," Kabuto nodded, taking a bowl of sugar and dumping it in.

"Now we can mix it in," Kimimaru announced, "come on!"

"Yeah," Kabuto squealed, pouring the red drink into the bowl with the flour and baking powder, the salt never did make it into the bowl. Kimimaru stirred it with a large spoon, working until the kool-aid created a watery mixture. He eyed it curiously.

"Kabuto," he said, "this doesn't look right."

"It looks fine," Kabuto smiled stupidly and retrieved the cook book, "now what next, it says we need to put the dough out on a floured board and roll into until its about ½ inch thick."

"Alright," Kimimaru got out a chopping board and a rolling pin, "we need more flour!"

"But," Kabuto observed the empty flour bag, "We're all out."

"Then we'll just have to use something else," Kimimaru glanced about, his eyes falling on the discarded container of salt.

"Perfect," he exclaimed, picking up the container and sprinkling the salt over the board-which was also purple.

"I'll get the dough," Kabuto dumped the contents of the bowl onto the cooking board, smiling stupidly. The kool-aid soaked mixture dribbled across the counter and onto the floor, but Kabuto was too engrossed in making biscuits to notice. Kimimaru smoothed out the dough with the rolling pin, biting his lip as the dough squished and splattered over everything around it, including his apron.

"Alright," Kabuto said when he was sure Kimimaru had done a good enough job, "now it says we need to cut the dough and bake in the oven for around 12 minutes."

"Okay then," Kimimaru smirked, "this calls for some real action!"

"Go for it," Kabuto exclaimed as Kimimaru-quite morbidly by the way- took out one of his bones and used it to cut through the watery dough.

"I'm done," Kimimaru smiled, his face covered in the sticky dough.

"But how do we know its ½ inch thick," Kabuto asked, looking practically distressed.

"Hmm," Kimimaru stared intently at the soggy dough, "it looks about right."

"If you say so," Kabuto nodded, quickly grabbing a cookie sheet from a cabinet. They spread the biscuits out on the tray, fitting on all they could. Kimimaru smiled and inserted the sheet in the oven, a sudden wave of heat striking him before he closed it again.

"Well now all we have to do is wait," Kimimaru informed an impatient Kabuto.

They sat silently, Kabuto twiddling his fingers and Kimimaru gazing intently at the clock on the wall. Kabuto sighed, wanting more than anything to taste his beloved biscuits. He was oblivious to the huge mess around them. Flour was littered all over the counter, while a large pile of salt sat on the floor, and the floor was stained with a puddle of kool-aid.

"How long is 12 minutes," he asked after a few short moments.

"I suppose their done by now," Kimimaru shrugged, putting on a pair of oven mitts and removing the pan from the oven. Kabuto stared at the soggy wads of dough on the cookie sheet, wondering why they were red instead of gold. These biscuits looked funny to him. He gave one a tentative poke, squealing when it stuck to his finger. But he wasn't going to let appearance stop him.

"LET'S EAT!" He exclaimed, stuffing the sticky lump of dough in his mouth, the second he did his face took on a look of pure disgust. Squealing with sudden alarm, he spit the biscuit out, sticking his tongue out and trying to remove the rest of the sickening wad of dough.

"No good," Kimimaru sighed.

"Salty," Kabuto shrugged, smacking his lips.

"Hello Kabuto," Orochimaru entered the kitchen, a sadistic smirk on his face, "whatcha cooking."

"Biscuits," Kabuto smiled, "want one?"

"Sure," Orochimaru had a taste for biscuits almost as much as Kabuto. Kabuto grinned stupidly and handed his master one of the sticky globs. Kimimaru gave him a look of pure distress, knowing what would happen when Orochimaru tasted that sickening "biscuit."

Without saying a word he grabbed Kabuto and fled from the room. Orochimaru shrugged his shoulders as Kimimaru slammed the door, popping the biscuit into his mouth and grinning dumbly.

"Pretty good," he smirked.


	5. Orochimaru's deadly lair

**Insanity rise: Hello, I have finally decided to continue on this story because I absolutely adore writing humor stories, they are sooooo fun! Anyway, this has got to be my favorite chapter and I don't know about readers but I find it purely hilarious! Today is Friday, two days before school starts and this is officially my writing day! I am going to get as much as possible down today if it kills me! Meaning I will hopefully finish that Kisame Sakura story, my Sannin song fic, and I pray my Daycare Sannin story, I have a ton of work to do! I wrote this chapter while sitting at my actual computer(not Annie's laptop as usual) and listening to my mom's Natalie Grant cd, gosh that stuff really puts you in a nice calm mood, good for happy writing, but I think i'll die if I don't get my "Within Temptation" cd soon! I need money! oh well...back to work!I hope you like this chapter and to all people who are going to flame me, I realize Kabuto is EXTREMELY out of character, and I am very sorry for that, but I find this too funny to get rid of! And sorry to Sasuke fan girls in this chapter, I have nothing personal against you! Oh and if anyone has any ideas or anything that could help my stories please let me know! Thanks a bunch! Please read and review or I will end my dancing mushrooms after you! I mean it!**

**Chapter 5**

**Orochimaru's deadly lair…or just messy…**

"What did you do that for," Kabuto asked angrily as Kimimaru leaned against the wall and released his grasp on his shirt sleeve, "there are biscuits in there!"

"Kabuto," Kimimaru said sternly, at first he wanted to yell in the boy's face that his biscuits sucked, but he had second thoughts, "I just don't…oh…cheese."

"CHEESE!" Kabuto screamed suddenly, "I LIKE CHEESE, CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE!"

"SHUT UP!" Kimimaru barked, barely able to hear his own thoughts as Kabuto continued cheering. He sighed and stood up, walking down the hallway as quickly as he could as to escape. Kabuto didn't seem to realize his leaving, falling on the floor twitching and calling out the names of various dairy products. He also didn't notice when Zaku walked up to him carrying an old rope. Zaku gave him a concerned look, wondering what had driven him into his dairy based fit.

"Kabuto," he barked, "there is not any cheese in here!"

"CHEESE," Kabuto cried, sitting up, "oh…hi Zaku…"

"Yeah Hi," Zaku grumbled angrily, "did you get the flashlight or not?"

"B24," Kabuto said quietly as though in a daze, "I got Bingo…"  
"KABUTO!" Zaku snarled, smacking Kabuto upside the head as to send him back to reality, "PAY ATTETNTION!"

"BINGO!" Kabuto screamed, suddenly looking up at Zaku, "oh…hi Zaku…what are you doing at senior night?"

"This is Orochimaru's house you moron," Zaku grumbled with annoyance, "did you get the flashlight or not?"  
"Flashlight," Kabuto shrugged, "how should I know, I was making biscuits with Kimimaru."

"What," Zaku slammed his foot down so hard it made Kabuto jump, "YOU MEAN YOU'VE BEEN DESTROYING THE KITCHEN WHILE WORKED MY BUTT OFF TO GET THIS STUPID ROPE?"  
"Is that a trick question," Kabuto squeaked, "I don't do well with trick questions…N14"

"Come on Bingo boy," Zaku snapped, taking Kabuto shirt sleeve and hoisting him to his feet, "we've got to go find a flashlight so we can laugh manically."

"031," Kabuto chuckled, "I got Bingo again suckas!"

With another groan, Zaku rushed down the hallway with Kabuto stumbled stupidly behind, calling out continuous bingo numbers and mumbling on and on about senior night (whatever that was supposed to mean). They hurried down the hallway until Zaku suddenly stopped; standing before a door they had all seen in their worst night mares. This was the opening to Orochimaru's room, a place where ninja were killed, tortured, and never came out from. And this was the only place Zaku could think of to look for a flashlight. Kabuto gave him a funny look as they stepped up to the large wooden door, obviously getting some of his wits back. Zaku took a deep breath, feeling a sudden chill of fear, and took the doorknob in his hand, only to hear Kabuto cry out.

"BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO!" Kabuto screamed before being silenced by another smack, Zaku held his hand over the demented boy's mouth, turning his cries to mumbles.

"Be quiet," Zaku hissed, "if we get caught in here we'll never come out!"

"But what about Orochimaru," Kabuto mumbled, "won't he catch us?"  
"Not if we're quick," Zaku snapped, "now come on and be quiet or I'll tie you up in his closet instead of Kin!"  
"K," Kabuto shrugged as Zaku opened the door.

Both nin gasped, barely able to take in the horrendous sight before them. Kabuto felt his knees shake as they entered the cluttered room, gulping down a lump In his throat. It was very obvious to them that Orochimaru never so much as even thought to tidy his room. Huge piles of junk reached the ceiling all around them, causing the room to smell of…fish tacos? If this was what Orochimaru's room looked like then his closet had definitely been an excellent choice for hiding Kin. Zaku groaned when he realized how dark it was inside the room, hoping they would find a flashlight quickly, He decided splitting up would be their best bet on finding what they were searching for quickly.

"Kabuto," he instructed in a whisper as though secrecy was required, "you go over there and I'll check over here."

"Roger," Kabuto nodded, heading in the direction Zaku had pointed in.

"I don't know anyone named Roger," Zaku sneered before turning around and sifting through a huge mass of clutter. Silence followed as both ninja searched about. Kabuto looked through a mess of paperwork, chuckling when he found a "forgotten" photo of last years Christmas party, where a certain Abumi had ended up in a dress. Smirking, he slipped the embarrassing photo in his pocket for safe keeping and possible black mail that might become very useful. Then he went to Orochimaru small dresser beside his bed, yanking on one of the drawers to find it stuck. With an agitated groan, he tugged at the handle, falling back as it flew open. Straightening his glasses, he prepared to look inside at the mess of contents, a confused look coming over his face.

"Hey Zaku," Zaku jumped when he heard Kabuto's voice, the silence breaking as he fell forward with a crash.

"What do you want," he barked, jumping up and rubbing his head painfully, "you startled me."  
"Check this out," Kabuto said gleefully, causing Zaku to give him a horrified look.

"What on earth is that thing," Zaku asked shakily, pointing at the treacherous item Kabuto held in his hand.

"It's a Barbie doll!" Kabuto announced with glee, "oh I used to have such good times with these things when I was a little tike I remember one time when…what?"

He stared at Zaku who was trembling as though he'd just saw a ghost. Zaku gulped, having never seen something so terrifying. That fake hair, those always staring eyes, and that smile that never moved, like the tiny monster was planning on murder or something worse…it practically horrified him. And to think Kabuto was now hugging it lovingly.

"Gosh this thing is so pretty,' Kabuto smiled, then a confused look came over his face," but why is this in Orochimaru's room, Barbies are for innocent children…which I don't consider Orochimaru…"  
"What a freak," Zaku choked, "let's burn the thing why don't we?"  
"No," Kabuto ran to the plastic's defense, "she's too beautiful for that!"

"Whatever," Zaku shrugged, just get back to work."

"K," Kabuto nodded, sifting back through the door and grinning when he found something of interest.

"Look Zaku," Kabuto beamed, holding a Barbie _and _a Ken in his hands, "their making out!"

"STOP THAT!" Zaku screamed with rage, "that's sick!"

"Fine," Kabuto sighed, turning back to the drawer once more, that was when he found something even more exciting.

"OH MY GOSH!" He squealed like a Sasuke fan girl (they are creepy folks…very…), holding up another item for Zaku to see, "this is awesome."

"Kabuto," Zaku twitched with fear staring at the doll in Kabuto's hand, "what is that?"

"See," Kabuto held it up, "she looks just like me, see her glasses, her silver hair, and her shirt that says "Kabuto," she's like my own personal fan girl!"

"That is beyond creepy," Zaku groaned, "I think he's obsessed with you moron."

"I have always found my master rather attractive," Kabuto said thoughtfully, "maybe-"

"JUST FIND THE FLASHLIGHT!" Zaku growled, having no wish to hear anymore of Kabuto's crazy ideas.

"K," Kabuto said yet again, slipping the doll into his pocket along with a handful of chewed bubblegum. Zaku simply rolled his eyes, turning back to the mess before him. Kabuto on the other hand, continued to ransack anything he found interesting. A post card from a certain Sannin, a paper fan that was half bent, a few random coins, and a shiny whistle all when into his pocket (the little thief!) Soon enough his pockets were both bulging, Kabuto feverishly trying to stuff some green gummy bears (Orochimaru doesn't like the green ones!) into his pocket for later. Finally Zaku cried out in triumph, revealing a pink "Hello Kitty" flashlight.

"I found it," he announced loudly, "now let's get out of here!"

"B47!" Kabuto squealed with glee as he and Zaku darted from the room and down the hallway, laughing to each other in victory. If only he'd dug a bit further into that drawer, he would have discovered a certain piece of paper reading "I love Kabuto."


End file.
